If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
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I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
*serious situation*
My brain:
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.