My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
😏😏😏
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?