I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
In Canada they just call them geese
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third