The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*