ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
You Might Also Like
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?