Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
You Might Also Like
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
So inspired right now.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I’d love this…lol
i actually laughed 😩
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what