can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting