I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
R.I.P.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.