Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?