Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
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Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU