I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
New menu item
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome