When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.