You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
my proudest tweet
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
i think both sides are to blame here
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions