[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.