[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
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There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs