friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
asked my bf how work was today
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
who will stop them
Its true…
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
awkward
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did