Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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what do you want!!!!!!!!
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My Plans 2020
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.