My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
How dude HOW?!
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
waiting for halloween be like:
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again