[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Sounds like a bargain
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]