A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.