My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
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just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
listen closely
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.