Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Spring cleaning checklist…
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.