I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.