You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.