I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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He’s dead
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I’m awake but I object,
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
japanese corn
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Breaking news:
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
You should be tunashamed of yourself!