Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
These work great until they don’t.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me