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Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Welcome
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!