My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
i can’t wait that long
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)