Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face