My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
awkward
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*