The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
You Might Also Like
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.