stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings