I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
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it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.