Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
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This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?