just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson