If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
You Might Also Like
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.