JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
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Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
This was the best day of my life
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.