“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.