I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*