[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
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[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
knights of the ikea table
I WON A HAM TODAY
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.