We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*swipes right on my hand mirror
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?