Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything