I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
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when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better