Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
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[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect