“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
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No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.