There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
The prophecy is fulfilled
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.