*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
58.