getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
subtitles are so good nowadays
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]