I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.