My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
You Might Also Like
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Dammit Chief not again
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.